Headline From the Year 2029

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largestcountry in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia'sthird language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwesternUnited States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iranstill closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 moreyears before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over byJamaica . No othercountry comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces maildelivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year inMexifornia and Floruba Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speedthey now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swattersand rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.