Headline From the Year 2029

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largestcountry in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia'sthird language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwesternUnited States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iranstill closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 moreyears before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over byJamaica . No othercountry comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces maildelivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year inMexifornia and Floruba Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speedthey now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swattersand rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

"Pantyhose Bandit"

Ok, is time to come clean and admit it ...who is the guilty person??? Dozens of pantyhose that have been left near a Milford school bus stop are causing sheer annoyance in the neighborhood.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/07/23/national/main4285704.shtml?source=RSSattr=HOME_4285704

Cash to Burn!!!

An English man has been sentenced to community service for burning a pile of cash at his home. Leo Casey, 63, torched the cash after an argument with his partner in July of last year. He admitted locking himself inside a home he was renovating in Nottingham.
He set fire to a bundle of 20-pound notes and tossed them out of a window, and burned other notes inside the house.
Police were unable to determine the precise amount of money but estimated it was about 17,000 pounds ($34,000).
Casey admitted to a charge of arson with reckless disregard for life. He was sentenced on Monday to community punishment doing unpaid work and he will be under supervision for 18 months.

All I can say is I wish I had been there.. with a bucket of water , lol

"I'm an Elite Chicken Farmer."

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"Nope, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming
have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

The Pastor's Ass

Something else quite funny that will get your morning going with a smile, and has an added moral to the story, please read on and enjoy.


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.


The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ... even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

Why Men can pee standing up!!

God was just about done creating humans,
but he had two parts left over. He couldn't
decide how to split them between Adam and Eve
so He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a
thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing
up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering
if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that
to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the
sort of a thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease!! Give it
to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so
badly,that he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that
allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he started whizzing all over the place,
first on the side of a rock, then wrote his name in the sand, and
then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away,
laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"Whats it called ?" asked Eve.
"Brains!" said God.

The Answering Service at the Mental Institute

Some funny to keep you smiling, while you sip on that cup of coffee

Answering Service At The Mental Institute....have fun!


"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Crazy Sex Laws

In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must
use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while
hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse
with a live fish. (Apparently it's OK for woman.)

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his
wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed
to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you --
or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown
--if they're nude.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet
apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal
to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to
provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple,
even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may
they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white
cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with
the lights on.

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body
of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up
from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two
minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing. (Ouch! These pasties hurt!)

Anywhere in the U. S., it's illegal to use any live endangered
species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays,
shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. (Insectophiles
apparently were successful in their lobbying efforts.)

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while
they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a
parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car
or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio
- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within
the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be
charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in
the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct
official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in
session

French Bubble Gum

An American is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubblegum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubblegum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubblegum, and sell them to France ."

Anything is possible!

Kind of funny what happened to me yesterday. I was driving and had to stop at a red light, I was not paying much attention to my surrounding, was kind of lost in my thoughts of things I needed to get done through the day.. then I looked up and I see this older guy kind of scruffy looking standing in front of my car his back facing me. I wondered why he was not crossing the street and just standing there...Well I did not to wondered too long when he pull his pants down and flashed me his white as a ghost butt..I could not help it but to laugh and laugh, I could never understand what makes some people want to exposed themselves, maybe he was waiting for me to rate his ghostly butt?